So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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