then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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