Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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