wrigley field is MILF paradise
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
