Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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