The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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