In America we eat man semen.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize