I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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