My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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