Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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