I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
