I've blown a few things in my day
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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