Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
