Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
