Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
this boner is exhausting
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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