yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
