Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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