My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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