NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
