if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
