were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
