I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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