just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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