i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
