I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My feet surprised me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
