he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We need to get me chipped asap
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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