I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
