Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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