glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
