tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
