Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
