When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
did i walk over a car last night?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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