hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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