when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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