i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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