in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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