I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
