She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
