You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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