just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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