I haven't been this sober since birth.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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