There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
