I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
