The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
