Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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