Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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