Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
