K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Vodka?
Forever.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Your shirt... Was in my pants
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
