How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
