Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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