Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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