Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
