I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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