My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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