Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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