My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
