If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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