There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
