i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
