I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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