When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
