I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
