I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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