i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize