In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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