Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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