Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
