goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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