he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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