if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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