also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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