he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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