so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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