Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize