you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
