ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
